Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
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You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Jesus Christ lmao
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids