I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
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The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy