[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
You Might Also Like
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Me irl
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.