Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
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My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Friday
The Onion called it…again.
Nothing to do, you say?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.