“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
You Might Also Like
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*