Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
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I want to know about the Oreo incident…
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.