me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
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If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.