all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
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OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.