Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
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FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it