stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
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My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Time for evil
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.