[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
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My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.