5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba