I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
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real
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
? 💀
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving