I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
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I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
How all things should be taught/explained.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.