My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I like long walks away from everyone
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.