*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
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IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not