One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
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Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever