[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
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4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Quadruple digit IQ
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Customer is always right