10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
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Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too