Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
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I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Best table by far
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.