Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
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I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.