colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
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Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
nyc:
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2