Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
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Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.