Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
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*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool