asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i鈥檓 so mad at you.
HER: i鈥檓 naked come over.
ME: i鈥檓 not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren鈥檛 wasted.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
i am:
鈿笍 a man
鈿笍 a woman
馃敇 living in the year 2021looking for:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 a way out
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn鈥檛 have any hair at all.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn鈥檛 gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.