Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
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my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there