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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
jesus, what did this guy do
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?