“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.