How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
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Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?