At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
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I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
this has done me in for some reason
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours