“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
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Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Body by cheese-puffs.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?