interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
You Might Also Like
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Close call…
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
That’s classic.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
moms in horror movies
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.