So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
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interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
👾👾👾
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.