It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
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If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Realize this:
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Has there ever been a more American story?
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.