Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
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The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.