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HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Omg 🤣
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Denise please return my vape pen
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.