A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
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I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
lost boys: howβd the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE π
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: youβre a sociopath
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times itβs a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever theyβre eating and or drinking βokay whatever you say dr. pepperβ etc.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brΓΈther. brΓΈther i crave the κ°α΄ΚΚΙͺα΄ α΄ α΄Ι΄ α΄α΄α΄ α΄ Κα΄κ±.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers β12:30β but heβs guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
This will forever be the funniest thing Iβve seen
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
bugs when you lift up a rock
Itβs important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
LA today: