‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
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Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Terribly Tuesday.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.