My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
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I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead