Dolls on drugs
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Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
God has abandoned us.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
2022: I can fix it
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
i smell a pulitzer
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities