I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
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Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house