your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
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“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.