Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
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Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
twitter is a journey
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.