No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
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(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
pat pat
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Oops I deleted….
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!