Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
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pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Ugh but profoundly
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?