Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
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ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Effort made
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Hey! This isn’t my car!
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.