If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
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While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons