i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
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The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60