My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
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Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*