Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
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Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.